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Aug. 25th, 2006 11:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cdybedahlFor a year now, I've been trying to write a sequel to Amazon Nation. Without much success, unfortunately. Sure, I got some 7000 words written, but the story never felt right. It wasn't about the right thing. There various conflicts didn't mesh. So it's been kind of languishing for over a year.
Until yesterday. While working out, an entire new story just appeared in my mind. So I came home, threw out the 7000 words or so there was and started writing new ones. I've been working a lot this week, so there isn't much of the story yet. But at least I think the new first scene is a much better hook than the old one. And out of curiousity, I decided to post them both and let you people say which one you prefer.
This is the old, thrown-out one:
And this is the new one:
Until yesterday. While working out, an entire new story just appeared in my mind. So I came home, threw out the 7000 words or so there was and started writing new ones. I've been working a lot this week, so there isn't much of the story yet. But at least I think the new first scene is a much better hook than the old one. And out of curiousity, I decided to post them both and let you people say which one you prefer.
This is the old, thrown-out one:
The pyre had been built on a tall hill, right at the edge of a nearly vertical drop down to the thick forest below. There were trees on the hill as well, of course, but once lit the fire would be visible from far around as a single bright beacon in the night. Most importantly, it would be clearly visible from the Amazon village below.
A body lay on the oil-drenched wood, waiting to be burned. It was of a young-looking woman, red-haired and dressed in elaborately decorated leather. Her hair had been put up in fine braids, and jewelry adorned her arms and waist. A sword and a longbow lay by her side, both broken in half.
Queen Gabrielle stood near the heap of wood, waiting. A lit torch had been stuck in the ground near her, ready to be thrown to light the funeral fire. She kept looking at the dead woman, as if to burn the image of the corpse into her mind. She looked more angry than sorrowful. In her hand she held a short dagger with the handle placed crosswise at the base of the blade.
"Mother?"
Two Amazons walked out from the trees. The one who had spoken was slim but very curvy, with long wavy dark hair. Strangely for an Amazon, she carried no weapons and was dressed in cloth rather than leather. Her companion was a little taller, a little wider and looked a lot more athletic.
Gabrielle turned her head.
"Eve," she said. "Varia. Good of you to come so quickly."
"Of course we come when the queen calls," Eve said.
"If nothing else so because we're curious about why she's in such a hurry to hold a funeral, and why nobody else may attend it," Varia added.
"How did she die anyway?" Eve said. "Citayne wasn't involved in any feuds at the moment, as far as I know."
Varia, who had looked at the corpse while Eve spoke, frowned.
"There are no wounds," she said.
"There is one," Gabrielle said. "A cut, at the base of her neck. Almost but not quite healed."
Eve and Varia looked at each other.
"How can it have killed her if it had time to heal?" Eve said.
"It didn't. The thing that made the wound and entered her body through it killed her when it left."
"Thing?" Eve said.
"An enemy," Gabrielle said. "A very nasty one. I've met them before, long ago. When I was in Egypt with..."
Her voice trailed off.
"We understand," Varia said. "You don't need to say more. How do we fight this enemy?"
"If our Amazons were to fight it," Gabrielle said, "there would be suspicion, anger and distrust among the sisters. Many would die in vain, and even if we won the bad feelings born from the fight would poison us for many decades. No, for this fight we need help. And I need you to go get it for me."
"Of course," Varia said.
"If you do not want Amazons to fight," Eve said, "then you must mean for us to go through the circle of stone."
Gabrielle turned to look at her and smiled a hard and chilling smile.
"Yes," she said. "I need my wives from another world."
Varia smiled, a much warmer smile than the one that was still on Gabrielle's face.
"It will be good to see them again," she said.
Gabrielle took a parchment scroll and a small black box from her belt and handed them to Eve.
"On the scroll is the sequence of symbols you need to push on the pedestal in front of the gate," she said. "Once the gate has opened, there are another sequence that you have to push on the little black box. Once that too is done, you can walk through the gate."
She pulled the torch from the ground.
"Please hurry," she said. "I don't want this thing to get more of a head start then necessary."
"How do you know it's just one?" Varia said. "If there's one, there may be more."
"If there were more than one, there would be more than one corpse, I suppose," Eve said.
Gabrielle shook her head.
"No," she said. "There wouldn't have to be any more corpses. While Citayne was dead from the moment the thing entered her body, there was not even any need for this corpse to be."
She tossed the strange little dagger into the air and caught it again.
"No," she went on, "this is message. There is only one of the things, because there is only one that has a strong enough desire to harm me to brave the anger of Aphrodite. And it's out there somewhere now, working on a way to get its revenge."
"We'll go at once," Varia said. "And hurry back."
"I'll be heading towards Eleusis as soon as the fire has burned down," Gabrielle said. "When Janet and Sam get here, give them horses and equipment and send them after me. Alone."
"Will do," Eve said.
She gave Gabrielle a quick kiss on the cheek, and then she set off down the hillside. Varia followed close behind.
They hadn't got many steps away when they heard the sound of wood hitting wood, and then the whoosh of the pyre bursting into flame.
A body lay on the oil-drenched wood, waiting to be burned. It was of a young-looking woman, red-haired and dressed in elaborately decorated leather. Her hair had been put up in fine braids, and jewelry adorned her arms and waist. A sword and a longbow lay by her side, both broken in half.
Queen Gabrielle stood near the heap of wood, waiting. A lit torch had been stuck in the ground near her, ready to be thrown to light the funeral fire. She kept looking at the dead woman, as if to burn the image of the corpse into her mind. She looked more angry than sorrowful. In her hand she held a short dagger with the handle placed crosswise at the base of the blade.
"Mother?"
Two Amazons walked out from the trees. The one who had spoken was slim but very curvy, with long wavy dark hair. Strangely for an Amazon, she carried no weapons and was dressed in cloth rather than leather. Her companion was a little taller, a little wider and looked a lot more athletic.
Gabrielle turned her head.
"Eve," she said. "Varia. Good of you to come so quickly."
"Of course we come when the queen calls," Eve said.
"If nothing else so because we're curious about why she's in such a hurry to hold a funeral, and why nobody else may attend it," Varia added.
"How did she die anyway?" Eve said. "Citayne wasn't involved in any feuds at the moment, as far as I know."
Varia, who had looked at the corpse while Eve spoke, frowned.
"There are no wounds," she said.
"There is one," Gabrielle said. "A cut, at the base of her neck. Almost but not quite healed."
Eve and Varia looked at each other.
"How can it have killed her if it had time to heal?" Eve said.
"It didn't. The thing that made the wound and entered her body through it killed her when it left."
"Thing?" Eve said.
"An enemy," Gabrielle said. "A very nasty one. I've met them before, long ago. When I was in Egypt with..."
Her voice trailed off.
"We understand," Varia said. "You don't need to say more. How do we fight this enemy?"
"If our Amazons were to fight it," Gabrielle said, "there would be suspicion, anger and distrust among the sisters. Many would die in vain, and even if we won the bad feelings born from the fight would poison us for many decades. No, for this fight we need help. And I need you to go get it for me."
"Of course," Varia said.
"If you do not want Amazons to fight," Eve said, "then you must mean for us to go through the circle of stone."
Gabrielle turned to look at her and smiled a hard and chilling smile.
"Yes," she said. "I need my wives from another world."
Varia smiled, a much warmer smile than the one that was still on Gabrielle's face.
"It will be good to see them again," she said.
Gabrielle took a parchment scroll and a small black box from her belt and handed them to Eve.
"On the scroll is the sequence of symbols you need to push on the pedestal in front of the gate," she said. "Once the gate has opened, there are another sequence that you have to push on the little black box. Once that too is done, you can walk through the gate."
She pulled the torch from the ground.
"Please hurry," she said. "I don't want this thing to get more of a head start then necessary."
"How do you know it's just one?" Varia said. "If there's one, there may be more."
"If there were more than one, there would be more than one corpse, I suppose," Eve said.
Gabrielle shook her head.
"No," she said. "There wouldn't have to be any more corpses. While Citayne was dead from the moment the thing entered her body, there was not even any need for this corpse to be."
She tossed the strange little dagger into the air and caught it again.
"No," she went on, "this is message. There is only one of the things, because there is only one that has a strong enough desire to harm me to brave the anger of Aphrodite. And it's out there somewhere now, working on a way to get its revenge."
"We'll go at once," Varia said. "And hurry back."
"I'll be heading towards Eleusis as soon as the fire has burned down," Gabrielle said. "When Janet and Sam get here, give them horses and equipment and send them after me. Alone."
"Will do," Eve said.
She gave Gabrielle a quick kiss on the cheek, and then she set off down the hillside. Varia followed close behind.
They hadn't got many steps away when they heard the sound of wood hitting wood, and then the whoosh of the pyre bursting into flame.
And this is the new one:
She rode through the misty forest. The rising sun shone its light in from the side, turning the dawn fogs golden as it slowly dissolved them. Birds sang, but other than that and the horse's steps it was silent.
Almost.
She spotted it only because she saw the horse's ears move. She stopped and listened then, and heard a pained whimper not far off. A people whimper, not an animal one. She frowned and urged the horse closer until she could see where the sound came from.
In the shelter of a large rock she found the remains of a camp. The fire was still smoldering, and the contents of what looked like a typical Amazon travel pack lay spread about. As did the Amazon herself. Her stomach had been cut open from the left hip to just below the rib cage on the right-hand side, and her intestines had been pulled out.
It was a testament to Amazon hardiness that she was not only still alive, but still conscious. The short, brown-haired woman dismounted her horse. Taking a leather satchel that hung from the saddle, she approached the wounded Amazon.
"Stay calm," she said. "You'll be all right."
"She... she just attacked me," the Amazon said. "My own sister..."
The woman took a syringe and a glass vial out of the satchel.
"That wasn't your sister any more," she said as she filled the syringe. "That was something else living in her body."
"Wh... what?" the Amazon panted.
The woman took her arm and started looking for a suitable vein to inject into.
"If it had been you sister," she said. "She would've known that this isn't going to kill you."
"It hurts," the Amazon managed to get out. Her face was corpse-pale and sweaty.
"This will make you sleep," the woman said as she pushed down the plunger on the syringe. "I'll have to clean your intestines before I put them back in, and that's going to hurt even worse than you hurt now. You'll be fine when you wake up."
"Who... who are you?" the Amazon said.
The woman sighed. She carefully detached the needle from the syringe and put them both back into her satchel. She wasn't going to get replacements any time soon.
"I'm Janet," she said. "Formerly Chief Medical Officer at Stargate Command. Formerly Champion to Queen Samantha Carter. Formerly wife of Queen Gabrielle."
The Amazon managed to frown. Her breathing became more regular as the morphine began to take effect.
"I've heard of you," she said. "If those are what you used to be, what are you now?"
Her eyelids were flickering shut.
"Now?" Janet Fraiser said. "Now I'm just plain Janet."
Almost.
She spotted it only because she saw the horse's ears move. She stopped and listened then, and heard a pained whimper not far off. A people whimper, not an animal one. She frowned and urged the horse closer until she could see where the sound came from.
In the shelter of a large rock she found the remains of a camp. The fire was still smoldering, and the contents of what looked like a typical Amazon travel pack lay spread about. As did the Amazon herself. Her stomach had been cut open from the left hip to just below the rib cage on the right-hand side, and her intestines had been pulled out.
It was a testament to Amazon hardiness that she was not only still alive, but still conscious. The short, brown-haired woman dismounted her horse. Taking a leather satchel that hung from the saddle, she approached the wounded Amazon.
"Stay calm," she said. "You'll be all right."
"She... she just attacked me," the Amazon said. "My own sister..."
The woman took a syringe and a glass vial out of the satchel.
"That wasn't your sister any more," she said as she filled the syringe. "That was something else living in her body."
"Wh... what?" the Amazon panted.
The woman took her arm and started looking for a suitable vein to inject into.
"If it had been you sister," she said. "She would've known that this isn't going to kill you."
"It hurts," the Amazon managed to get out. Her face was corpse-pale and sweaty.
"This will make you sleep," the woman said as she pushed down the plunger on the syringe. "I'll have to clean your intestines before I put them back in, and that's going to hurt even worse than you hurt now. You'll be fine when you wake up."
"Who... who are you?" the Amazon said.
The woman sighed. She carefully detached the needle from the syringe and put them both back into her satchel. She wasn't going to get replacements any time soon.
"I'm Janet," she said. "Formerly Chief Medical Officer at Stargate Command. Formerly Champion to Queen Samantha Carter. Formerly wife of Queen Gabrielle."
The Amazon managed to frown. Her breathing became more regular as the morphine began to take effect.
"I've heard of you," she said. "If those are what you used to be, what are you now?"
Her eyelids were flickering shut.
"Now?" Janet Fraiser said. "Now I'm just plain Janet."
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(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-25 10:50 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-26 02:13 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-26 05:54 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-26 07:17 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-12-06 10:21 pm (UTC)Would it be possible to read the rest of what you had for version 1?
(no subject)
Date: 2006-12-07 08:37 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-05 09:48 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-05 10:18 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-07-08 11:33 pm (UTC)Slam